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A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The truth is more important than the facts.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I am not young enough to know everything.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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