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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.